journal_karbytes_29october2024.txt

/**
 * file: journal_karbytes_29october2024.txt
 * type: plain-text
 * date: 30_OCTOBER_2024
 * author: karbytes
 * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN
 */

I considered taking three consecutive days off from making updates to my public Internet platform in order to “practice” being relegated (against my will) to obscurity by those who want to replace me with someone more naive, young, and compliant with the military-industrial complex and associated culture of apathy towards ecological issues, human rights violations which are deemed to be irrelevant by nationalist or local politics, and loss of historical records.

As I was sitting on the Castro Valley BART platform waiting for the Dublin/Pleasanton bound train, I was thinking about how there are many serious unresolved problems going on in the world and in my own personal life which I do not yet have a working solution to and which I fear I may never have a working solution to. Rather than writhe in agony over that fact and consequently spend “too much” of my life suffering in vain (i.e. for no apparent purpose other than perhaps “virtue signaling” to an audience that likely does not appreciate my “virtue signaling” or which will likely forget I ever emitted such “virtue signaling” (such as myself if I am eventually going to be obliterated from existence)), I reasoned that more value can be derived from me choosing to “make the most of” my experiences as in making an effort to habitually train my attention to focus on what brings me satisfaction or engaged amusement instead of on what ultimately leaves me feeling deprived of such.

To augment this note with more personal data, I have recently decided to try sleeping in my dad’s backyard either in a tent, under the stars (if the weather is decent), or under the patio roof (which seems less claustrophobic and leaky than being in a tent). For whatever reason, I had difficulty sleeping at my legal residence (which is my dad’s house) during the past four years. I think I felt that people were intruding upon my privacy or trying to disrupt my sleep or preferred lifestyle pattern (perhaps out of envy or fear that, if left to my own devices, I would seriously have the power to change their world). It has been “battle of the beds” almost every time I try to sleep in Castro Valley in recent memory for me (which is the main reason why I have been camping out of town). Well, I would like to now “settle down” and enjoy my “privilege” more instead of squander it for the sake of appeasing cantankerous, small-minded apes who implicitly demand I be worn down to my breaking point and/or driven by force out of the territory. This is war, not so gentlemen! I shall not simply surrender and let my “enemies” win without putting up a valiant fight (though I seem to be the only party in this war not trying to disturb other people’s peace). After I share this note, I plan on going on a nice long hike into the wilderness northeast of my house and possibly refrain from making any further updates to my blog until 01_NOVEMBER_2024 (while likely making updates to private GitHub repositories I own). Happy Halloween, and goodbye (for now)!

* * *

The following section of this journal entry was written while I was hiking uphill from Castro Valley BART station to my house in order to possibly fetch my bicycle which I left in my room overnight while I was camping at a place which is technically off limits: the back porch of Kenneth C Aitken Senior Center. I was afraid my bicycle would get tampered with if I parked it along the nearby fence or else it would signify to other people that I was located nearby while I preferred to keep such people from knowing I was there. Rather than hike up Ramage Peak trail earlier like I said I would, I am strongly considering bicycling and BARTing back to Silicon Valley today. I’m getting a lot of hostile messages (especially from the “disembodied voices” to leave Castro Valley)…

Walking through Castro Valley seems to take more time, more effort, and is generally more stressful for me than is bicycling through South Bay. It seems like there is literally nowhere I can go in Castro Valley to get respite from other people constantly calling attention to themselves and demanding I focus on them. I also don’t like how Castro Valley is full of caterwauling kids and sheltered hags who act like they’ve never been outside Castro Valley. I would rather make my default location where I was in Silicon Valley/South Bay because there is significantly more space for me to distance myself from other humans and the humans and overall culture and infrastructure down there seems more modern, professional, and adult-oriented instead of child-centric or childish. I hate to hate on Castro Valley, but I have not seriously been able to enjoy myself here as much as I was hoping I would despite trying my best to have a positive attitude about this situation. I get the sense that I am implicitly or explicitly being smothered out of existence in that town and that I don’t truly fit in well with the culture there. I’m better off keeping my visits to Castro Valley no longer than five hours, not overnight, and generally less often than once per every three days. (I don’t want to go for longer than four days without showering).

* * *

I decided not to rush down the hill back to the BART station and instead decided to inquire ChatGPT-4o about employment agencies (which might help me get a decent job more effectively than merely browsing jobs and applying for them on Indeed dot Com will). I was dismayed to hear one of the “disembodied voices” which sounds like a baby-voiced woman keep saying antagonistic things to me which makes me think she does not want me taking proactive steps to better my situation and that she prefers that I remain unemployed, embittered, panicked, and pessimistic about the future. I think she might even be trying to force me to be misogynistic against my will so that she can frame me as a misogynist deserving of punishment and ostracization. To me she comes across as envious of my relatively fortunate circumstances and personal qualities while she herself is relatively down-trodden and lacking in esteem-worthy attributes. She sounds like an abusive woman who is more of a parasite than someone genuinely contributing to the betterment of human civilization (though she might “piggy back” off other people in her organization who do actually contribute positively to society instead of tagging along like the useless “little sister” she comes across as (and quite obnoxiously so)).

I have fantasized many times about her getting killed by a gunshot to the head while I carry on indifferently (as though she were just a black widow spider getting crushed under a shoe). If someone asked me if she should be shot dead or otherwise subject to violence, I would say no (but I would advise that she be left to fend for herself in the streets where she might get the help she needs or else perishes, gets beaten up/raped/robbed, et cetera). I would say, “She’s an adult. She’s not my problem. I’m not rescuing her. It’s my legal right to ignore her existence. I’m largely indifferent to her suffering and see her as a mentally ill and destructive parasite who I honestly prefer nonexistent.”

* * *

The “disembodied voice” focused on in the previous section of this note is what I have referred to throughout my blog as pig_gorl. I would hazard a guess that she represents a person who is more socially connected and supported than I am and such is the basis for her confidence and air of untouchability.

I honestly think I am more likely than pig_gorl is to be “left for dead” (e.g. relegated to the position of a chronically homeless, jobless, and deprived-of-basic-necessities vagrant; put away in some institution and forgotten about by people outside of that institution; and not permitted to board the life boats on a sinking ship). That is almost entirely due to the fact that I lack a robust social support network (especially a life partner close to my age (i.e. not expected to die much sooner than me) who checks in on me daily to ensure I’m alive and well).

I have not been in contact with any human I used to be friends with for over two years (and I have hardly exchanged more than a few quick words with members of my family or other humans during that time). Part of that is because I am afraid that saying more extensive or more complicated or “difficult” words would lead to me getting cut off from financial support, job opportunities, or access to material commodities or services. I was essentially conditioned to keep my feelings to myself and to act relatively numb, disaffected, and lackadaisical through punishment and fear tactics. Hence, I cannot help but harbor generalized resentment towards the human race for the way so many humans seem to demand that I be in chronic unresolved pain while exhibiting an insincerely ingratiating and complacent demeanor (and many of such people also seem to hope and expect that I “snap” in a fit of rage or terror as a result of being put under pressure to be fake for a prolonged period of time while also being bullied). I think most people would rather ignore what I have to say if it makes them the slightest bit uncomfortable, unflattered, or pressured to change their behavior or work harder. Hence, I have adopted a rather socially avoidant and daresay hateful demeanor. I’m not hateful in the sense I want to hurt people. Instead, I am “hateful” in the sense I a feel a sense of disgust and disapproval towards many humans and think those humans have little to be praised for other than not being absolute monsters and doing at least the bare minimum not to be absolutely slovenly self-neglecting burdens.

I am not eager to build a more robust social support network to bolster myself against being “left for dead”. Instead, I accept being “left for dead” by almost everyone. Maybe someday I’ll commit suicide to escape even worse circumstances and which I think amount to extreme torture which would render my existence little more than a source of sadistic amusement for those like pig_gorl and others more fortunate than me. I hope to avoid experiences which would rob my life of a sense of what I consider to be personally worthwhile qualities.

This note is for my benefit to write and make available on the public World Wide Web for as long as possible. This might as well be my ultimate legacy. This note has the potential to be the final brick in that monolith of a legacy (though I hope and expect that I’ll be adding many more bricks to that monument for the next several decades).

* * *

For some reason, being in larger metropolitan areas full of strangers makes me feel significantly less troubled (in general) than does staying in my home town even amidst people who have known me for many years. Perhaps I feel that people who “know” me are less likely than strangers or people who have only seen me in public to see me with fresh eyes and instead see me more as what they remember than what I actually am.

Another thought I had is that I don’t at all like the idea of being forced against my will to make friends or to socialize (though I understand some degree of socializing is necessary for me to survive and to navigate through modern civilization).

Will I ever make friends (whether by force or on my own volition)? I would say it is very likely I eventually will. In order for me to make (and keep friends), however, I have to continuously satisfy some need they have which justifies making me worthy of their precious time, memory space, and perhaps even loyalty. In all honesty I don’t expect to have deeper relationships with people than associating over common interests (e.g. hobbies, professions, academics, lifestyle) and exchanging useful or entertaining information or material commodities (though maybe sometimes I will partake in group recreational activities such as company trips to an amusement park where we ride on roller coasters together (though that does not sound like the most fun thing I would want to do with my time)).

Anyway, I’m riding the Berryessa-bound BART train now and a bit embittered by the fact that pig_gorl essentially bullied me out of having a house to call home and am instead forced to around people who honestly annoy me (and that could mostly be because I could hardly get decent sleep or enjoyable time to myself during the past 24 hours due to other humans making disrupting and antagonistic noises and exhibiting stocker-ish behavior towards me). I seem to live in a world populated by more assholes than those who I would classify as decent or kind. It seems that many if not most people condone that I be bullied and tortured because they seem to have an antagonistic attitude towards me and many of them seem to deliberately try to upset me. Thankfully, I am a lot better at refraining from reacting like I used to in the past to such behavior. Basically I learned that the bullies tend to get the upper hand in this society and seem to greatly outnumber those I would consider worthy of being my friends. If I ask people to stop doing the behavior which annoys me or even causes me physical injury (such as smoking cigarettes near me or choosing to stay in my personal space bubble), they smugly refuse to comply and seem to take pleasure in my distress. Most often such people are men of Hispanic/Latino origin.

(Honestly, a part of me, for years, has been in perpetual shock, dismay, and even anger at how basically no one has yet to seriously address me on any of the matters I have brought up in this blog and which have been causing me serious distress. Instead, what I have gotten the impression from other people is that (a) they want me to feel permanently devastated and (b) they want me to feel silenced and dismissed as unworthy of seriously addressing (while they act happy about that fact)).

* * *

karbytes_0: “If robots could do the vast majority of the labor which humans do in order to keep the economy and government running, then why are humans rather than robots employed at those jobs (especially given that robots can do those jobs more efficiently, accurately, and safely)?”

karbytes_1: “Well, humans need the money. That’s why.”

karbytes_0: “That doesn’t explain why seemingly so few people have considered pairing human employees with robots which do some, most, or all of the tasks that human would have continued doing at a particular company and paying that human the same pay as though that human and robot were interchangeable (in terms of attributing credit for functional labor performed at that company).”

karbytes_1: “What about humans who are unemployed (i.e. humans who are not affiliated with any company which earns money for providing customers with monetizable products or services)?”

karbytes_0: “Perhaps an alternate or additional way to ensure every human is paid an unconditional basic income (at the very least in terms of income per adult individual) is allow each person to join up to three companies which employ some combination of humans and robots and, as a member of that company, also a ‘co-owner’ or ‘stock holder’, receive some percentage of that company’s profits per fiscal quarter, et cetera.”